Sunday, April 20, 2008

Getting Outside Your Past

Growing up, I saw couples destroy each other in front of their children, in front of family or anyone who was willing to listen. The majority of the time was spent ripping each other to shreds so much that when there were moments of happiness, I would often wish for the dysfunctional times because it was what I was used too seeing.


Whether it was my parents, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, I was surrounded by people miserable in their marriage, their life and surroundings.


I decided that I would never be like that even if I have to end up alone or in strings of relationships that never went anywhere because I made sure that they wouldn’t.

During the course of my dating history, I have either ran from the idea of love or destroyed it enough so that it ended up running away from me. I tried to make myself unlovable because I wasn’t sure how to give or receive it. All I knew how to do was allow for people to break me down or become so cold and withdrawn that they ended up leaving me. I would shutdown and slowly self destruct because I didn’t know how to be happy and FUNCTION in a relationship. I wasn’t sure how to keep it stable or how to speak from my heart because I never had the opportunity to see it.


Love was an enigma and I was just coasting in it. I allowed others to dictate my wants and desires and allowed myself to get caught up in relationships that abused me in one way or another.


Losing my mother taught that me that I can’t go through life, alienating people because I was too scared to want them near. Meeting my boss and his wife proved to me that two people can form a loving, stable marriage that would stand the test of time.


All I had to do was believe that I was worth it. That I could have that and more if I put my past aside and opened myself up to life and all that it has to offer.


I’m still working on expressing love fully and having the actions match up with my words and sometimes the fear sneaks in and I want to push people far away because I hate showing pain.
So what do I do? I feel it, I allow myself to experience it all, the love, pain, sorrow, happiness; I open myself to it and become a better person because of it.

Allowing your baggage to control you won't ever get you anywhere. If you don't see your own worth, how can you expect anyone else too?

Don't allow your past to dictate your future.

1 comment:

jen said...

"I feel it, I allow myself to experience it all, the love, pain, sorrow, happiness; I open myself to it and become a better person because of it."

That's HUGE! I've spent a lifetime numbing myself with food, shopping, medication, smoking, etc. It's scary to just allow myself to experience things as they come. Great post!